Springs is here. Almost. I figure this is a good time to start looking at myself. Actually, I have been looking at myself for a while now and realized there are things I would like to change. Before I get into that I want to explain how I became the person I didn't want to be when I enrolled in my college courses.
I sometimes believe I can do more than I can. I know that sounds self-deprecating or that I may get into some kind of "humble boast." It's not like that, though. What I mean by "doing more than I can" is that I will start something and not realize the time and resources needed. My courses were more intense than I predicted, and therefore, I had to take more time away from my family and put them into the courses to get the grades that I wanted. Then I get frustrated, because I feel the pressure of the goals I set and see the toll it takes on me and the family. Instead of being this organized, I-can-do-it all kind of person, I become a grouch-- Move over Oscar, this is my Trashcan.
I hate being a grouch. I know that's hard to tell by my last post, but I really don't like feeling grouchy and frustrated. In the end, I met my goal and got the grades I wanted, but do I feel better as a person? No. Don't get me wrong, I put a lot of effort into those courses, and I learned a lot. I'm proud of that, but not proud of the person that I became to achieve it. What kind of person did I become? Someone who was not fun to be around. I played with the kids less. I spent less time with my husband. I lost my temper more which meant I did more yelling. I placed unrealistic expectations on my family's behavior (wanting to the children to be good and quiet all the time) instead of seeing how my behavior affected everyone.
I finished the quarter, or I should say, I survived the quarter along with my family. After a one week break, I start the next quarter... tomorrow. I dread repeating hell. So I decided no matter what the course throws at me, I'm going to find happiness in every single day. I came up with two rules to help me find happiness.
1. Love: I promise to tell my husband and kids I love them every morning and every night. I will also show them love by spending time with them by playing their favorite games, reading their favorite books, or just watching their favorite shows with them. I will also make time to love myself. I will read my favorite books and write. I will do things that I enjoy and invite my family and friends to share in that joy.
2. Reflect: At the end of the day, I will reflect. What brought me joy? What didn't go so well? What can I do to make tomorrow better, more meaningful, more joyful.
I could come up with a more complicated plan by telling myself I will be more organized, I will wake up everyday at 5am and do school work, I will have the kids in bed by 8pm, etc. But then, I think I lose focus of my real goal... to be a better person for myself and for my family.
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